grief, observed.

I’ve been lying awake the last few days, heavy with the thoughts of all the mistakes I’ve made.  For some reason, they’re all hit me like a freight train; hard enough even to keep me from the things I hold dearest.  I don’t know when I got old enough to have regrets, but it’s happened, and it’s here.  I never understood regret.  To me, it was never too late to go out and get what you want.  But the fact is, I’m out of eligibility to play soccer, and I’m too old and too tattooed to model (or not tattooed enough, depending on the market).  My dreams were enough to last a lifetime, but they somehow fell short.  Or I guess, in all reality, I did.  I’ve made decisions that I’d rather not think about, first turning my back on my first Love, then again on my second.  My aided betrayal of the one thing I loved most for another caused so much resentment that the second time came way too easy.  I’m ashamed of it.  I think about it everyday.  I feel guilty for being happy, and I hate feeling sad.  Lose/lose.

If you don’t know me personally, that probably looks like a word search; jumbled letters that only make sense if you find important words and draw circles.  But if you’ve walked with me over the last 8 years; if you’ve stayed around to the present, it should make perfect sense.  I don’t know how to reconcile happiness at the perceived expense of another.  I don’t know how to allow myself that happiness.

I’m a compass that points north, but can’t move when the world does. I’m a ripped package full of good intentions.
I’m tired of twisting and turning at night, I’m tired of being tired.

The only thing that puts me at rest is using my camera, so here’s the most recent set of photos that for a moment reminded me that regardless of past mistakes, it’s ok to feel the happiness I’ve got.

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3 thoughts on “grief, observed.

  1. You have such a way with words, Colleen! I may not know what took place in your past, but something I know for sure; being remorseful about our past mistakes is a good thing. It shows that we still have the capacity to grow, to learn. What really matters is how you use your past mistakes to grow into someone better. You’re such a kindhearted, wonderful and talented lady. You’ve always got something good to say about others. En bref, everyone deserves to be happy, regardless of their mistakes. 🙂 ❤

  2. I’ve followed your blog for quite some time and am always enthralled with your interesting life. I just want to say that we all make mistakes we cannot erase, but it’s important that we learn from them and move on. Our mistakes are not who we are. God expects us to fail and run into his open arms. I’m sure you’ve made your amends and now it’s time to forgive yourself and forget those regrets. You’re a beautiful person, not only on the outside, but also within!

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