grief, observed.

I’ve been lying awake the last few days, heavy with the thoughts of all the mistakes I’ve made.  For some reason, they’re all hit me like a freight train; hard enough even to keep me from the things I hold dearest.  I don’t know when I got old enough to have regrets, but it’s happened, and it’s here.  I never understood regret.  To me, it was never too late to go out and get what you want.  But the fact is, I’m out of eligibility to play soccer, and I’m too old and too tattooed to model (or not tattooed enough, depending on the market).  My dreams were enough to last a lifetime, but they somehow fell short.  Or I guess, in all reality, I did.  I’ve made decisions that I’d rather not think about, first turning my back on my first Love, then again on my second.  My aided betrayal of the one thing I loved most for another caused so much resentment that the second time came way too easy.  I’m ashamed of it.  I think about it everyday.  I feel guilty for being happy, and I hate feeling sad.  Lose/lose.

If you don’t know me personally, that probably looks like a word search; jumbled letters that only make sense if you find important words and draw circles.  But if you’ve walked with me over the last 8 years; if you’ve stayed around to the present, it should make perfect sense.  I don’t know how to reconcile happiness at the perceived expense of another.  I don’t know how to allow myself that happiness.

I’m a compass that points north, but can’t move when the world does. I’m a ripped package full of good intentions.
I’m tired of twisting and turning at night, I’m tired of being tired.

The only thing that puts me at rest is using my camera, so here’s the most recent set of photos that for a moment reminded me that regardless of past mistakes, it’s ok to feel the happiness I’ve got.

davis2012_20121126_7293 davis2012_20121126_7309 davis2012_20121126_7328 davisfamily_20121126_6982 davisfamily_20121126_6984 davisfamily_20121126_6988 davisfamily_20121126_7001 davisfamily_20121126_7017 davisfamily_20121126_7040 davisfamily_20121126_7044 davisfamily_20121126_7045 davisfamily_20121126_7046 davisfamily_20121126_7055 davisfamily_20121126_7059 davisfamily_20121126_7063 davisfamily_20121126_7064 davisfamily_20121126_7067 davisfamily_20121126_7070 davisfamily_20121126_7072 davisfamily_20121126_7082 davisfamily_20121126_7107 davisfamily2012_20121126_7156 davisfamily2012_20121126_7191 davisfamily2012_20121126_7204 davisfamily2012_20121126_7257 davisfamily2012_20121126_7431 davisfamily2012_20121126_7477 davisfamily2012_20121126_7486 davisfamily2012_20121126_7521 davisfamily2012_20121126_7549 davisfamily2012_20121126_7556 davisfamily2012_20121126_7572bw davisfamily2012_20121126_7590 davisfamily2012_20121126_7631 davisfamily2012_20121126_7633 davisfamily2012_20121126_7675 davisfamily2012_20121126_7713


3 Comments Add yours

  1. smilecalm says:

    Happy familiy fotos!

  2. laydimarz says:

    You have such a way with words, Colleen! I may not know what took place in your past, but something I know for sure; being remorseful about our past mistakes is a good thing. It shows that we still have the capacity to grow, to learn. What really matters is how you use your past mistakes to grow into someone better. You’re such a kindhearted, wonderful and talented lady. You’ve always got something good to say about others. En bref, everyone deserves to be happy, regardless of their mistakes. 🙂 ❤

  3. atuck777 says:

    I’ve followed your blog for quite some time and am always enthralled with your interesting life. I just want to say that we all make mistakes we cannot erase, but it’s important that we learn from them and move on. Our mistakes are not who we are. God expects us to fail and run into his open arms. I’m sure you’ve made your amends and now it’s time to forgive yourself and forget those regrets. You’re a beautiful person, not only on the outside, but also within!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s