half a history

I started out this father’s day with a bit of an angry tone.
Time doesn’t quell the anguish knowing you were conceived, but not chosen.
I feel like I’m missing half a history, good God,
I don’t even know if cancer runs in my family.
I couldn’t tell you where I got jawline, my smile, my eyes,
but I’m sick of traveling with this piece of baggage, it’s oversized.
You did more than leave behind a name and a baby girl.
You left a life filled with butterfly kisses and tiny toes dancing;
you left a girl who spent years uncomfortable in her genes (and jeans),
never knowing what to expect from a man, or how he should be.
I’m disappointed in the notion of you,
and I’m angry that this small amount of anger is the only thing left that links the two of us.
I’ll be buying a nice Bourbon today, and I won’t share a drop.
Happy Father’s Day, from the little girl you forgot.

Now, can’t end with that same anger, because picking yourself up and moving on is power, and it’s that what life is about? I have plenty of reasons to be grateful. I know there are a lot of people out there struggling with dad issues, whether you never met him, like me; or maybe he was around, but he was mean or emotionally unavailable or critical; or maybe you lost him all too soon. In any of these cases, we’re all bound by the same feelings or hurt and the same ability to learn and grow from the challenges they bring up. But I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. The ability to feel pain is part of what makes as alive and its existence makes the rise, the joys, the happys that much better. May you feel peace towards your circumstance, whatever it is, today. And to those who have great dads, rejoice! Make sure they know how much you love them and appreciate them.

I’d like to say thanks to a few of you who lent your amazing fathers to me growing up and currently. Even born of sadness, I’m more blessed than I deserve to be.

Speaking of blessed, recently I shot photos of a very talented friend of mine, artist Drew Merritt.   One of those happened to make it into this month’s Juxtapoz magazine… pretty exciting! You can find Drew here: http://www.drewmerritt.com

Here are the rest of them:

 

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