you’re the mistake someone else will pay for.

I’ve been reading a book called “The Four Loves” by C.S. Lewis.  He’s my favorite author, and no doubt I’ll always be grateful for him giving me the mental picture of my Jesus as Aslan.  I think maybe I relate with him so much because I know that he struggled like I do.  He spent half his life as an Atheist… and through constant questioning decided on Jesus as an intelligent, will thought out solution to the question “How do we exist?”, not one born out of sensationalism.  In this book he describes the different ways we Love, and why.  I was struck by this statement… “Need-love says of a woman “I cannot live without her”; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection — if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.” What about love that says “I must possess her.  I must say she’s mine, although I don’t care to take care of her and I’ll never let myself need her.”?  Is that love at all, or it is some perversion of something that was meant to be good?  The interesting thing is that I like to be able to say I belong to someone.  Or at least I though I did.  I like to spend my time making sure everyone in range knows just how amazing the person I belong to is.  But belonging to someone who only cares about possession is like owing money to a bank.  You can pretend it’s yours, but the interest keeps compounding and they’re there to make sure you never pay off your debt, you never get ahead.  They want to own you, but not owe you a thing.   I googled (can I just say that I love that this is a socially acceptable verb in our generation?  i googled it. hahahaha) the quote I wanted to use and one from “A Grief Observed” came up.  Literally the saddest book I’ve ever read… but this one quote stood out to me as a condition of loving someone, for real.  When I remember how it’s felt in the past to feel this way, I wonder if really loving someone is worth it after all.  But then, I remember you. “Her absence is no more emphatic in those places than anywhere else. It’s not local at all. I suppose if one were forbidden all salt one wouldn’t notice it much more in any one food more than another. eating in general would be different, every day, at every meal. It is like that. The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”

These are photos of a family who holds an amazing part of my heart.  If you know anything about my story, you know that Jayme has been the person who has kept me grounded, my whole life.  My sister, my best friend.  She’s married now and has a beautiful little boy (and a baby on the way!).  These are photos of her family, and her husband’s brother’s lovely family.  They are such great people…. I love photographing them 🙂

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

 

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