i feel like a zombie, but no double-tap please

can’t sleep.

it’s 3 am and I feel like a zombie, but my eyes are still open. And I don’t have the desire to eat anyone’s brains…. not yet at least.  mostly i just wish mine would give it a rest.

I really need an attitude adjustment right now.  All I can think about is how selfish I’ve been, how selfish I’m being.  And for what?  It’s always been my goal in life to love people for exactly who they, exactly where they are.  No matter what.  I want for people to love me through my flaws, and the only way I can expect that is to do the same.  Even if the person chooses not to.  It’s time for me to take a step back, look at all the amazing things I have in my life, and quit focusing on anger.  And jealousy.  And competition.  I’m just so shocked at how easy it is to fall into these things, even when you think you’ve guarded yourself so well.  I’ve got to stop being selfish.  I’ve got to go back to being a lover, even if it means getting walked on sometimes.  Even if it means that I’ve got to walk away from some things.  The last thing I want is to be the reason someone else is sad.  I also hate being left hanging, almost consistently.

A few things I’m stoked for:  drumming, Czech and Scout, green trees, modeling career, busy photo business, going back to Florida, being back in the ocean, sunshine, my family, my lovely lovely friends, Spirited Away on the TV, Aslan, the ability to run as fast as I want, smiles, runway show on Friday, seeing Kat on Saturday, my favorite pillow, how amazing Bre’s bridals are turning out, getting to travel a lot soon, some photoshoots I’ve got in the works, and mostly, so much Love.

See?  Told you I just needed some perspective.  Now, onto things I want to accomplish before the year is over:  buy a Canon 5D Mark II, see Wicked, go to New York City, run a half-marathon, give blood (terrified of needles….stills working up the courage for this one), book an overseas trip, get a passport, find my real dad, and finally, shoot Brand New live.  The last one is the one I’ve been thinking about most…. I don’t think anyone really understands how much I would love that.  Actually, I might consider my photography career over after that 😉  I’m kidding, of course.

These are photos from my friend Justin Driggers show in Oklahoma City.  You can check his music out athttp://www.myspace.com/jkdband along with some awesome photos I took last summer in Arkansas.

I feel a little better I guess.  Now, if only I could sleep, and wake up tomorrow feeling as resolute as I do right now. Egh.  I’m so restless it’s ridiculous.

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3 thoughts on “i feel like a zombie, but no double-tap please

  1. I love you. I think you are most likely one of the least selfish people I know. Thank you for awesome dinner and even better company. (ps my plant is still alive!)

  2. You always take the BEST photos of our family!! I love you sweet girl and thank you for your heart that is so selfless.

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