birthday AKA daddy issues

It’s my birthday today.  I’m 24.  Whoa, when did that happen? …came out of nowhere.  I’ve literally had one of the best days of my life.  It’s crazy how sometimes things happen exactly how you need them to, and just when you were feeling like you’re falling.

I spent the majority of the day shooting a commercial for a clothing store that just opened here called Varsh.  It’s unbelievable.  They carry lines that I’ve had trouble finding even in Dallas…. Ben Sherman, BCBG, etc, etc.  BEAUTIFUL.  I got to work with the awesome Wade Gordon team for hair and makeup, and you know they’re the best of the best.  It was super fun.  Getting paid to do what you love never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever gets old.  Ever.

So, I guess I should explain why people’s love today was so huge for me.  There’s this song.  Well, there’s ALWAYS a song for me… my life is one giant song, but the song that sums up birthdays for me is called “Angel” by Blue October.  Lyrics:

“How do you tell your father,
That you want him to notice you?
Why does this seem like such a bother?
When mom says you’d be better off dead
But I want to see you
I still want to see you
Oh would you call me?
Oh it’s not hard too
And oh would you write me
On my birthday
Graduation, was yesterday
Yesterday

But oh would you be me?
Because I would be you
Oh you’d be happy
Only if you wanted to
And how would you treat me?
Because I would treat you
Oh you’d be happy
Only if you wanted to.”

Here’s where it gets personal.  I’ve never met my real dad.  I actually didn’t even know his real name until a few months ago when I finally got a copy of my birth certificate.  How weird is that?  I mean, I guess growing up, I was just used to it.  But then I started noticing things, like how I never had anyone tell me when I should get my oil changed, or chase off a boy who was no good for me, or teach me how to change a tire, or teach me what a man should be like.  I can’t ever answer medical history questions, and I have no idea what ethnicity I am (at least, halfway… although I’ve been told I look Finnish/Asian… haha).  I started thinking about how I could never walk away from a child, and how worthless I must be if my own father could leave and not even look back.  Not ever call.  I wonder if he met me now, if he would be proud?  In some part of my daydreams, I think maybe one day he’ll just show up and see the person I am, and maybe feel sad that he didn’t spend the last 24 years getting to know me.  Usually, my birthday is just a reminder of that missing piece.

But, now, to the happy part…. which is…. Today, I was genuinely happy.  I have so many things to be grateful for, and to be honest, maybe I’m better off without him.  I wish that I didn’t have authority issues, but I’d never give up my independence.  I guess it’s a trade-off.

John took me to lunch yesterday and our waiter sang me the most beautiful birthday song.  I went 19-9 on Modern Warfare II after only playing the game for 1 hour total (I’m a video game prodigy.  It’s so true it’s scary.)  I had such a fun time out with Alicia, Heather, Jenna, Russell, Charlie, and Chase at Bodega’s last night. Aaron’s band September Drive played at Burberry’s and they were great to watch. I ran into Anyone and Noone at Crush… 😉  My friends sang happy birthday very loudly and VERY off-key not once, but twice over the night.  Several drunk people and semi-interested guys joined in.  I barely slept at all because even after I got home my phone kept going off from calls/texts.  I spend the day being made up and doing something I love.  Nick made me cake and I got to hang with Kelsey, Chance, John, and Lacey.  David made me the cutest card ever.  My mom actually called.  How could I ever be sad with all this love ??

So thanks.  Seriously.  Everyone.  Thanks for making me feel special, and I hope one day, I do the same for you. ❤

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2 thoughts on “birthday AKA daddy issues

  1. That’s so brave of you to share such a personal post. You know, God is going to continually raise you up in the knowledge that he is your Daddy. What a witness you are and will be to others who have suffered similarly to you. Blessings on you Colleen.

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